Be Curious about Problems in Your Life

We all have problems, right? Consider being open to the possibility that learning can occur from our difficulties. Most problems can teach us something. Here are some recent examples from my psychotherapy practice:

A client recently sighed as she settled onto my couch and told me, " My new job is so boring, I'm so disappointed, I had high hopes that this would be a great fit for me." Another client shared that he was so mad that he was injured and couldn't run in the upcoming marathon he signed up for--"this has been my one main goal for 2025 and now it's all ruined." Another said, "That's it, I'm done trying to set rules with my teenager, she ignores me and does whatever the f--- she wants."

I suggested they do this: Pause, then listen to these situations before you try to get them out of your life. Be present to them. Be curious about them. Though many problems feel unfair and undeserved, there may be a gift---wisdom--- embedded in them. Having this attitude, as challenging as it may be, may be a better alternative than sinking into resentment, self pity, or rage.

I asked these clients, "What might be the benefit of this situation?" After the odd, even incredulous looks I got after asking this question, interesting responses started to emerge: "Well, I have time to breathe now after the stress of my son's serious illness earlier this year. I didn't realize how much worry I had bottled up inside until I got this boring job." Further exploration revealed she realized only as her life slowed down that she had been more than stressed--she had been full of abject fear her son wouldn't recover. She was able to identify a pattern that she often is caught up in: she seeks out busyness to keep fear and worry out of her head and heart. This method of coping provides some distraction, but not healing.

The runner was also able to connect with a pattern that helped him to understand what was behind his intense frustration at missing his marathon---"I really only feel good about myself when I complete the goals I set out for myself. That was drilled into me as a kid." He further observed as he explored this insight that the experience of valuing himself only after completing a goal left him was short lived and superficial. "I keep having to set harder and harder goals thinking that when I complete them I will finally feel happy with myself, but that feeling never lasts." We discussed how he might value himself separate from what he accomplishes. He later told me, " I guess it was a good thing I couldn't do the marathon--I learned something about myself. I learned I am a good guy whether I killed that race or not."

The irate mom was able to see that she was sending double messages to her daughter. When her daughter pushed back--as teenagers do---she would soften her expectation, or even give in to her daughter. "I just want her to like me and want to spend time with me," she admitted tearfully. We got curious about why this desire was so important to her that she wouldn't enforce rules for her daughter that she actually felt were reasonable and appropriate. We explored the difference between being liked and being loved. She knew her daughter loved her, but it might take some time before her teen liked to hang out with her. In the meantime, she could feel good about setting rules and enforcing them with her daughter out of love and protection. She also realized she needed to stop competing with her daughter's dad for "which parent was the fun one," and do her best to love her daughter as a parent, not as a friend. She said, "I don't need to see this as a competition to win her favor." She concluded, "I think I can be in the space of loving her this way because it's right. I can be there, because I believe it's filled with light."

See the light shining through the problem

When that problem in your life has spoken to you, and you have received its gift, thank it for the lesson and let it go. Some problems we may not be able to let go of, but we can change our relationship with them.